Dean's Year of Regret
by Backchatgirl
Summary: Dean's spent most of his life feeling guilty. This last year he's spend most of it feeling guilty about Cas and the way things ended. He visits the lake on the anniversary of Cas' death with a bottle of beer and Cas' trench coat to pour his heart out.


I bet you think we don't miss you. That we all just went on with our lives and forgot about you. You'd be _wrong_, Cas.

When I think about you, it's not as a God, an emotionless angel, or some empty vessel - but Cas, the guy who pulled me outta hell and saved my ass more times than I care to remember. And I do remember. How you always came when we called, how you rebelled, for me, and went along with any plan we had going because you were our friend, and we were yours.

I told you once to never change, and even though those souls, well...they changed you, Cas, under it all you were that same nerd angel that I loved. Love. I tried to just move on, forget, but those memories of you; telling stupid Enochian jokes, and you're lack of personal space or any social skills at all - they got me every time. Sam and Bobby saw right through me too, you know? Bottling things up, that's second nature to me, but they both knew I'd lost one of the best friends I ever had. Even after your trench coat washed up at the lake, that dirty thing you never took off, I never stopped praying for you, Cas. Maybe a message got through, I don't know. Maybe I never will, but I'll never stop praying.

You said everyone had their own individual Heaven; memories they like to relive. I can't begin to think what your Heaven is, but I know when I finally choke I'm gonna make you notice mine. It'll be full of every moment we've shared - you, Sam, Bobby and I - like a big neon sign saying, 'Look here, Cas, Dean made it!' and when you see it, you better come running.

You've been bruised, broken, cut...and killed because of Sam and I. You've killed your own kind for us, Cas, friendship doesn't _get_ stronger than that. That's why I felt betrayed when I found out about your deal, with Crowley. So many times you were there for us, protecting us, but when you were the one in trouble - a civil war for God's sake - you went to him for help. You were foolish, Cas. Crowley? You'd have been better off making a deal with the Impala all the good he did you. Look where you ended up - drunk with souls you couldn't control. I told you that you and Bobby were the closest thing I had to family, besides Sam, but by then you were in too deep. Why didn't you ask for help before it was too late?

Thinking about it, if I had to take back everything - from the moment you raised me from hell to when the Leviathan took over you - I wouldn't. Sure, I'd do things differently...very differently, but you were always stronger than you looked, and I'm selfish. I needed you, Cas. I still do.

It's been a year. A year since I saw you slip into that water, even if it wasn't truly you, a year of me regretting the fact that I didn't do enough to save you. We've been...struggling since you left. What with the Leviathan, Bobby's house being torched and Sam's own personal demons, I haven't exactly been dealing with this, you, that well. I didn't have to come, Sam's off hunting a vampire in Detroit, just like the good old days, I guess. Except if that were true, you'd be here, Cas. And, of course, you're not.

What I'm trying to say, what I didn't have chance to say...before, is that _I'm sorry_. Whichever way you look at it, we were the ones that forced you into that losing corner. Me more than most. Right at the end when you were really you, the old Cas, you apologised and said you regretted everything. I forgave you...but I had no right. I should have been the one repenting.

Letting you go - that's the worst thing I've _ever_ done.

I'm sorry, Cas.

* * *

><p><strong>Author's Note: <strong>This is my first published fanfic so I would really like feedback. I had a little brain wave last night after watching some great Destiel videos on youtube, but I'm not keen on the opening line(s). Basically this is Dean revisiting the lake a year after Cas 'died' (still don't believe this 100%, hence the 'quotes') and pooring out all those feelings he bottled up and drunk away. I don't know if I really captured his 'voice' (it was a fight sometimes between good grammar and a good voice - I probably failed on both counts) but I tried my best, and I'm into internal monologues at the moment. Miriam XD


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